We didn't talk too much in depth about it but I'll try to articulate my frustrations and they can affirm or deny them.
- I'm tired of moving. Basically, I'm tired of temporary homes. You move somewhere, live there for a year, then at least one roommate gets married, the house changes, or you don't have a job and have to move home again, only to be wondering when you'll be able to move out once more and who you can live with who isn't guaranteed to be getting married a year from now, all the while secretly hoping one day it will be you.
- When you go to parties with your married-with-children friends (who you LOVE), you're pretty much the only single woman there and may even be asked, "Where is your husband?" (true story- I should have replied, "You tell me!")
- You get lots of comments from you family and friends along the lines of, "But you're such a catch! What's wrong with those guys?" Which you appreciate but at the same time wonder about because it can't really be all their fault, can it?
- Many conversations go like this, "Do you ever hear from so-and-so?" "Oh, yeah! She's engaged- it's coming up next month." or "Yeah she's entering the CFRs in a week"
- You have many many many girl friends who are all in the same boat as you, and you love being with them but you have to laugh about having a "girls' night" because every night is a girls' night.
- And finally... You have to sit in a cublicle for hours to make money to pay rent for your temporary living situation and discuss "career options" and try to sell yourself, all the while thinking, "Actually, all I want to do is get married and have children."
Along those lines, I'll relate a story from my junior year of college. I received a letter in campus mail saying that I'd been nominated for some kind of award/scholarship program. There were a million steps, and I had to go to the dean's office to be interviewed. I went to her office, having no real idea what I was in for. She said congratulations and some nice things about my studies, and then asked the question I knew was coming but still dreaded, "What do you want to do?" I froze. By this point I had figured out that the most important thing in my life was my faith, and that I really wanted to help people. Something vague. I didn't know how to answer her question adequately and I think I literally said, "I don't know; I'm not sure." She said, "That is not an acceptable answer for an intelligent young woman." and proceeded to lecture me on that fact and how she couldn't possibly recommend me for anything if I could not answer such a simple question.
I said, I agree. Keep it; I don't want it! And left in tears. I recall with perfect clarity that I just wanted to say, "I just want to get married and have a family!" but knew that that would go over even worse than "I don't know", if that was possible. That reaction actually surprised me at the time- particularly because I wasn't raised at all to consciously think that that was most important. It was never a question in my house whether I'd go to college or whether I was expected to do something with my mind. Of course I was! School was important, and finding something you loved to do was as well. I also never dated anyone so it's not as if I was always thinking about it or actively "husband hunting." But faced with the question by a stranger I found the answer in myself.
Three years later I'm wondering if it was just me, or the Holy Spirit, or both. That's where the mid-twenties crisis comes in. How do you know if you're doing God's will or just seeking your own desires. Because this time of our life is inherently selfish. The only person you're responsible for... is you. You're not really accountable to anyone else; You're not bound to a person, place, even country. You could go anywhere, at any time, for any reason, if you have the means to do it. Yikes.